How are you feeling, really?

Hello all, before I get into anything else I want to flag that the early bird rate for the live-online and/or in-person course I’m teaching at Cape Cod Institute this July ends on April 1. This is a truly unique opportunity to build knowledge and skills in working with trans and nonbinary adolescents and young adults. It is 15 hours across 5 mornings and is worth 15 CE credits for clinicians and (in some states) educators. I taught a version of this course last year and will be updating it to address the very different context and psychosocial needs trans youth are now in in our country. Last year’s students gave very positive feedback and I found the teaching and discussion to be incredibly meaningful. Additionally, I was very impressed with Cape Cod Institute’s professionalism and savvy in hosting me. It’s a truly integrative hybrid setup that seemed to allow for very smooth student experiences. You can use the discount code BARR2025 for 20% off. Full course details are here: https://www.cape.org/courses/trans-and-nonbinary-adolescents-and-young-adults-sebastian-barr-2025. You can continue to register after April 1, but the cost increases a bit and if you want to be in person, the earlier you can make Cape Cod travel plans the better!

Some housekeeping: If you’re new here because you took a webinar of mine and you’d rather not read this or receive future updates, I totally understand - We all get a lot of emails! You can scroll to the bottom of this email and unsubscribe. I use this newsletter to update folks about once a month on my writings, offerings, and other career updates.

In today’s update, I have a short reflection on how we’re all doing, and then details about upcoming talks and events, and links to recent writings.

So: How are we doing, folks? I’ve been practicing answering that more honestly when asked in casual greetings. In large part because I want people to know that when I ask them how they’re doing, I do so out of genuine care and am ready to hear whatever amount of fullness and truth they are ready to offer. (I’ve also tried to break the habit of asking someone how they’re doing when I’m not really invested in the answer or don’t have time and space to receive it.) With clients, there are more boundaries because it’s important to me personally and clinically to maintain privacy in those relationships, but even then, I do not say I’m “good” or “fine” and move on when clients inquire. I saw a meme recently that said there’s a common Scandinavian response to “how are you?” that translates into “awake and not crying.” (I’ve tried to fact check that and just get a bunch of social media posts, so no guarantees this is real.) I appreciated this move away from a knee jerk “I’m fine”, though it seems to suggest that not crying is a good thing and that’s not always true! Here are some ways I’ve responded in both clinical contexts and professional lately:

• I heard birdsong this morning and it reminded me that seasons are changing

• I’m holding a lot right now that feels heavy, but I’m glad to see you and able to be present here for what you’re bringing in

• [Shrug, gestures about]

• I’m dealing with the aftermath of being near wildfires that led to the cancellation of a major cycling event I was training for - there was a lot of beauty and fun that still happened on that trip, but it’s been pretty disappointing and weird to be back

• I’ve had a really good morning - I’m not sure why, but I’m feeling good

• I’m thoroughly enjoying this coffee

• I actually am not sure how I’m doing right now

• You know? I’m okay. Not good, not bad, but okay.

• Grateful to be with you

• I’m really looking forward to a concert I’m going to next week

• It’s hard to be a trans person in America right now - maybe it’s also just hard to be in America, full stop.

• I think this sunshine has really improved my hour-to-hour mood

• It’s a mixed bag, especially these days, right?

• I’m having a hard time

• [Shrug, gestures about wildly]

• I moved my body this morning and I feel really alive

I’ve been saving memes and art that feel applicable to my professional work (and often thus also feel applicable to my personal experiences, too), and sharing them on my instagram. Here are some favorites that somewhat fit with this theme of exploring and sharing how we’re really doing right now:

Right now in this moment, how would you respond if I knocked on your door and asked you directly how you were doing? How would your answer change if it was a close friend asking you? What if your next client or a colleague asked you? And what is your answer privately for yourself? It’s a good practice being honest with ourselves and others how we’re doing. We are going to need each other more and more over the coming months and years and being able to be honest about our needs will be critical.

I think this also forces a practice of tolerating not being able to make someone feel okay. A person recovering from a medical issue recently shared that they could tell when someone was asking how they were doing because they wanted to know and wanted to support them and when someone was asking because they wanted this person to reassure them that they didn’t need to worry. If we start answering how we’re doing a little more openly and start inviting and receiving that from others, we will also sometimes be stepping into the practice of sitting with someone in their suffering when there’s nothing we can do to change the circumstances bringing about that suffering. (For my fellow therapists, this is something that I believe we’re called to do often in our work but that many approaches and trainings stifle and that our own anxiety and drive to be helpful fixers can stamp down, too.) This can be heartbreaking and also is how we help someone not be alone in their pain or fear. There’s a new Adrianne Lenker song that gets at the ache of this: In “Relief” she sings “I don’t want you to have to lift this burden anymore; I wish I could give you the gift of relief,” and the way she repeats this chorus it is clear that relief is not something she can offer this loved one. Counter-intuitively, recognizing that and helping a person not bear the lack of relief alone can be its own kind of balm. I hope we do more of this.

So yes, let’s practice being honest with each other about how we’re doing and what we’re needing, and also tolerating suffering together even when we can’t offer what the other needs. These practices also, for what it’s worth (and I think it’s worth a lot), create opportunities to be with people more fully in our joys and celebrations and victories and love.

Upcoming Trainings, Workshops, & Speaking Events

• April 7th 6pm-7:30pm EST - The Opposite of Isolation is Us: Finding and Building Opportunities for Queer and Trans Connection. This is a community-facing virtual workshop session I’m offering with Kentucky Health Justice’s Trans Justice wing. They’re an incredible grassroots org and have been wanting to do programming on confronting isolation, so I’m really looking forward to this offering. You can learn more about it and register here.

  

• April 15th 6:30pm-8:00pm EST - Weathering the Storm: Emotional Wellbeing and Community Resilience During Sociopolitical Hostility. This will be an intimate virtual offering with the local PFLAG chapter in Charlotte, for which I have been a board member for the past few years. If you are a parent or family member of an LGBTQ person and would benefit from this, reach out to me about attending, though it would be most appropriate for folks in the greater Charlotte area or the Carolinas. I would love to do this with other family groups, too, if you are connected to an organization that could host that.

• Save the date - May 16th, 2pm-6pm EST: You’re hearing it here first! I will be hosting two webinars on May 16th between 2 and 6pm Eastern. The first will be a clinically-focused webinar on working with trans and nonbinary people (focusing on adolescents and adults) in this incredibly anti-trans sociopolitical environment. The second will be on taking care of ourselves as clinicians in this context. They’re designed to work together and both will be available to attend live and to access on-demand as recordings. TBD if I will be able to offer CEs for these.

• July 21-25 9am-12:30pm EST - Affirming and Effective Work with Trans and Nonbinary Adolescents and Young Adults. This is the Cape Cod Institute Course I mentioned at the beginning of this newsletter. Learn more and register here.

  

Community Event Alert (and an Ask)

Outside my work, I have fallen in love with biking as a source of joyful movement and community building. Last year I started a trans- and queer-centered coffee ride, a group ride (modeled after a similar event in Oakland, California) that meets weekly at 7:30am for accessible slow-paced bike rides to queer-owned, run, or friendly coffee shops in our area. It’s been a wonderful outlet for my desire to connect others and connect with others. The group is called Happy Valley Coffee Ride. We’re doing a fun event next week in honor of Trans Day of Having a Nice Snack. This holiday is celebrated on or around March 31st, which has generally been recognized as the Trans Day of Visibility. A few years ago, the hosts of trans podcast Gender Reveal noted the complexity of visibility for trans folks and promoted the idea of a holiday rooted in values of mutual aid and the importance of levity for marginalized trans folks. And so Trans Day of Having a Nice Snack was born, where cis people are encouraged to provide money that trans folks can use for a treat splurge. After gauging interest and availability, I decided to host a Trans Snack meetup and bike ride through Happy Valley Coffee Ride next Monday. If you’re in Western Mass and free, please join us. If you know folks around here, let them know. Also, please consider donating a few bucks to the snack fund so lots of trans people can have nice treats and feel that others are invested in their wellbeing and pleasure! (If we have money leftover, I’m going to donate it to local trans/queer youth orgs and/or use it to supply them with treats!) The link to donate is here: paypal.me/sebastianbarr

Writings Since the Last Update

I’ve written two non-music substack posts since my last newsletter:

• We’re Running Out of Clean Underwear: The Merits of Doing and Not Doing Your Laundry when the World is Falling Apart

• Therapists, Feel They Feelings: Alternatively Titled Therapists Need Time Off

And I’ve mostly kept up with my weekly Friday music share posts on substack too:

• Listen to This if You're Feeling Alone in Your Despair: On Community and the "Ancient Hymnal Quality" of Asher White, Eli Winter, and Caroline Rose's cover of Judee Sill's "Down Where the Valleys are Low"

• "To Exist in the Face of Suffering and Death and Somehow Still Keep Singing": Channeling the Vitality of Florence & the Machine's "Free"

Supervision & Consultation

I’ve opened up more spots in my schedule for regular and one-off supervision/consultation, specifically related to supporting the trans community in clinical work (though I’m open to supervision more broadly and other areas of consultation, depending on demand and time constraints!). You can email me or use my calendly to schedule a meeting with me to see if this is something you’d like to take advantage of: https://calendly.com/sebastianbarr/supervision-consultation

I look forward to any and all future connections with each of you. Truly. What a gift to be connected in a time when connection matters so much.